I know, I know, I've been a slacker about posting. But with good reason. Currently I'm having a row with a friend. While she is my best friend, most of our relationship has been spent with considerable distance with each other. About two months ago she moved to a town near me.
With considerable geographic distance, the peccadilloes of friendship continued without much notice. Since moving to town, a magnifying glass has been placed over our relationship. Once small and bleary bits of our relationship that went unnoticed have become dancing pink elephants in the room. Unfortunately I think that cloud of narcissism in the room has caused my friend to become blind the elephants that are now stomping on my feet.
As a disclaimer, I need to put in that Tempest (we'll just call her that) is one of best friends. We've (almost) always been there for each other. But we've always had some distance both geographically and metaphorically. We get along best when our lives don't intersect and we act more as observers and confidantes. When Tempest moved backed we lost the distance.
Now I get 2-3 calls in the middle of the afternoon asking for a ride to the grocery store, Wal-mart, to a bar and club with the expectation that I will drop everything and take her. I feel like a taxi. A round trip to her house is two hours and nearly a quater tank of gas. I get neither a thank-you or appreciation. It is expected.
Tempest is always complaining of her boredom. I try to invite her to join me in things, but always to a "no." Unless it's her idea or go at a place of her choosing, she does not go. Yet she puts her friends (not just myself) on guilt trips that we don't do more with her. It's hard to always want someone who chronically depressed and negative to join in the fun, especailly when she dosn't want be there. More challenging are the complaints about how much she hates being in Denver and how we (her friends) are mot doing enough for her. Tempest is angry with me because she thinks that because I'm not being a good enought friend is why she's miserable. And she lets me know it when she has a chance to call and leave a message between her spouts of uncontrollable sobbing.
I feel that I'm often being used for transportation or as a pet. When we hang out, I feel like I'm just their to help her kill time and offer some amusement. She's not interested in me as a friend or buddy, but an audience to the "Tempest Show." I'm also become acutely aware how condescending she is to me.
This brings my to another point of contention that is not entirely her fault. I live with my mom. As a reader of this blog, you can probably imagine that my mom is an emotionally needy person. So is Tempest. There is only one Chipper, and to keep my self "chipper" (I know, bad pun) I can't be drained on both ends. Part of my blue spell a few weeks back came from trying to do both. I just don't have the energy to give to two very emotional people.
I'm also scared of her chronic instability. Tempest always has a major drama in her life that she refuses to fix or even acknowledge that she has the power to fix. Drama always encircles her friends, love life, work, and family. Even when there is no drama at hand, the lack of drama becomes just as much of a catastrophe. As a "Super" friend put it "she's comfortable in her victim-ness."
And here is where I feel awful as a human being. Tempest has been diagnosed with a major pyschosis, she is a text book example of Borderline Personality Disorder. It is exactly the symptoms of BPD that I'm at odds with: the narcissism, the emotional instability, and sever depression and negativity.
Here's my dilemma: can one be angry with the stripes of a zebra? I feel awful that I'm angry with Tempest because of her illness. But she knows about her illness; why doesn't she take action to mitigate it's affects on others? Again, she's been one of best friends, but I feel that I'm being taken for granted. I'm usure as to why I feel like the heel in the relationship. She seems to be demanding all my time and energy then gets angry when I can't deliver because I have other friends, family, and school, and hopefully some part time employment.
Right I'm pretty upset with Tempest and have decided to take a break from the friendship for a few weeks. Hopefully we can come back with a renewed appreciation of boundaries and respect. I feel like I would say or do something that could forever wreck ou relationship.