I want a secretary

I've decided what I need to get through school: an administrative assistant. I need someone to help organize my way overloaded schedule and resposibities. Someone who takes good notes (as I can send them to my classes in lieu of my own attendance), like animals (as they can house train a puppy), and keep me up to date on birthdays and important dates with friends.

This could free my time up for two martini lunches, and a round of golf in the afternoon.

Any volunteers?