I'm glad you didn't tell me this as a small child

Today I was supposed to go sky diving with a buddy from college. Fortunately the skies above Fort Collins were rather inclement and restricted our jumping. We'll just have to it again later, much later. I don't know why I continue to do crazy shit with this guy, often I've had to save his ass.

On the heels of long talk with my father about my mother, I had a long talk with my mother about my father last night. The end of your childhood is over when your mom decided it's time you know that your father has erctile disfunction (or at least around her-no wonder she's so grouchy). She decided that it was important for me to know that he has "neglected his husbandly duties for over two years now."

This doesn't come as much surprise. About four years ago my father was visiting a "factory" in Elko, Nevada. Supposedly he was going to begin production there of some automotive parts. Midway through the grand tour, an explosion of some "top secret" experimental gases renderd him unconscious for two days. Dad was unable to account for the days in question, and when my mom called around Elko, no one had ever heard of him. This was because, according to my father, Elko is so small that there is no hospital or Doctors' office. But, the ladies at the local brothel happen to be whores with solid gold hearts with nursing degrees to boot. He awoke in the brothel, under the kind and platonic nurturering of the ladies. My mom bought it, and the fact that the madam of the House, Renee, still continues to call him to this day just to "check up" on him. It was top secret gases after all, surely a government conspiracy. **

Only children are always put into the strangest of position. In my family, I was always the third party in the marriage. And now I'm convinced my mom sees me as her sexless husband. Umm, mom, how could the hidden fruit thing a surprise?



** Superkate and I have decided that now our canvassing*** efforts will be concentrated on my father. Perhaps I can write a tawdry novel, or a movie for HBO.

***Please see the Miss Muffy, Chip, and MistressKitty Dictionary (soon to come) for a definition.